Well, I have had the most intense, transformative couple of weeks.
I suppose should have known, having all those Déjà vus so close together, that something was up.
But I feel much, much stronger than I ever have before in my life.
My ex and I are back from our weekend trip to Melbourne. For someone who, in the past, would have been excited to go but secretly been dreading a trip like that – I felt only excitement. I had one of the best weekends away that I have had in such a long time. I was strong and confident – even when I was deathly tired and my heart was in my throat.
I really needed to get away.
Now that I’m back home I don’t want to deal with things in the same way I used to.
I’m actually becoming quite fond of this thing we call responsibility.
I like knowing that I am responsible for what I think, what I feel, what meanings I put to things.
I especially like knowing that I am definitely not responsible for what other people think or feel, and most importantly, never responsible to how they react to the things I say and do. That’s one thing I’m still working on, but I’ll get there eventually.
I’m learning that it’s okay to let people go – if I’m not being treated with respect, kindness, or even loyalty, then why would I hold on to such a person?
I think it’s because of the lack of personal responsibility. If the people around me are happy then that’s good, right? That means I can be happy too!
I should have learnt that with my friend in high school – someone that was never, ever going to be content with what those around her said or did.
I know I’m saying responsibility a lot in this post, but I’m so very excited about it. It’s a different kind of feeling of power, you know?
I’m not trying to control power; I’m not trying to lord it over people by saying, “you don’t deserve to be my friend!” I’m just accepting that I have a duty of care to myself. If you’re not going to treat me well, then I love you, but I’m going to have to say no to you.
In the past week my solar plexus has been on fire, I’ve been weak, lost 4 kilos in 4 days (thankfully have gained it make now!) my heart had been beating like I’ve ran a marathon each day, I’ve sleep horribly, had to crunch into a little ball to relax my back and stomach muscles…
…but all that is gone now. I’ve taken a potential meltdown and turned it into the best learning experience.
We don’t have to be victims. We don’t have to be the victors.
We just have to be kind to ourselves.