Personal

Good Lord, Who The Hell Am I?

Last night I went to the next of the Numerology sessions which was based on the number 3.

I don’t have any 3s in my chart, however both my parents are 3s – not just one 3, but numerous 3s.

As I sat listening (and participated in the Dru Yoga designed to help issues 3 can face) an odd feeling washed over me.

Everything the teacher was saying about 3s I identified with. The emotional sensitivity, high emotional intelligence, self-doubt, can’t get the right words out, feeling misunderstood most of the time, struggling around insensitive people, swing wildly between happiness and sadness, nervousness (digestive issues), frustration and anger, repressed expression…

I thought, hang on… I’m not even a 3, in any way. Why am I identifying so much with this?

And then it hit me: Good Lord, nothing is me!

I even wrote that in my notes ^

I thought, who the hell am I?

I realised just how much I’d taken on my parent’s traits.

My 6 had encouraged me to create perfectionism in the form of being exactly like my parents so I never rocked the boat and caused waves (which would have cause imperfection.)

It’s an interesting thought but it sort of makes sense.

I mean, I’m a Leo, a fire sign. I used to skim through all the astrology books about Leos about them wanting to be in the spotlight – to put themselves out there and be noticed. I thought to myself, why the hell do I have anxiety about being in the spotlight then?

Why would I rather be a wallflower than the center of attention?

Why, if I was such a creative soul, could I not get my ideas out?

Because I learned it all.

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However, I am someone who believes that everything is designed to be the way it is, so even if I did learn all this, even if I was raised in that environment, there was a reason behind it.

I learned a lot of great things. I now know how to read people’s emotions, how to be empathetic (rather than sympathetic), I can tailor myself to fit those around me so I don’t offend anyone. I now know how to formulate the right words before opening my mouth, and I’ve discovered how to tell the truth without hurting the feelings of others.

This age-old idea that you can be anything, do anything, have anything is finally making sense to me.

You can be anything.

Of course, as a child I didn’t understand all of this but that doesn’t matter.

Here and now I can choose to accept it, and then choose a different path.

Now, I choose to explore my own numbers, my own self, my own energy.

My own life.

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One thought on “Good Lord, Who The Hell Am I?

  1. I think you’ve sparked an interest in numerology!
    I think everyone goes through a period of not knowing who they are and worrying they were too much like their parents. I know I did but I now know that I am my own person. I know I’m not that old but the most difficult ages for me were probably 13 and 23.

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