I’ve come to the realisation recently that I have misdirected passion. I came to this conclusion via something I assume you could refer to as “phantom feelings”.
In my dreams things are very real. If, in my dream, I am close to someone then I will carry those feelings into my waking life – this is what I mean by phantom feelings. One minute they are just someone I know, the next I can’t get them out of my head all because of a dream.
I berate myself over it. Don’t be silly, I think to myself, they are just a friend. The dream wasn’t real, therefore nothing I felt then is real now.
I’ve found myself in a state of “school-girl crush” without even wanting it to happen.
However the weird thing is that this whole crush business makes me feel alive. Even though I didn’t want to entertain those feelings, I just couldn’t help it.
Then it hit me: passion.
This is what I was feeling. This extreme version of love has eluded me for years; unless, of course, I start to entertain crushes.
So, why can’t I feel this crush on my music like so many other musicians do?
Why can’t I fall in love with my art?
Why does love have to come from another person to make me feel alive?
Could I somehow create a crush on myself so that I don’t need to fall in love with anything outside of me to feel that way?
Does everyone have a passion that is external to themselves?
I thought about it and for a long, long time I’ve directed my passion towards guys… or, more specifically, the love/attraction you can feel while with one. I suppose that’s the case with everyone. We search our whole lives for “the one” that will make us feel loved for as long as we’re breathing.
However I don’t want to do that any more. I don’t want the only reason for me to feel good to be reliant on if a certain person is around or not. I think I’m a little guilty too of avoiding passion because of my anxiety – sometimes it’s too overwhelming for me.
I looked back to see if I was passionate before the opposite sex came into the picture for me and wouldn’t you know it, yes I was!
Reading, writing, drawing, painting, playing, singing, laughing, sleeping, adventuring, pretending, eating.
Not once did I think about boys.
So, I suppose that’s my goal. To redirect my passion.