Last night, as my eyelids grew heavy and I thought it best to hit the hay, I noticed a message from my (ex)partner: “miss you” it said. Having not particularly missed anybody lately and focusing my efforts inward to help myself, I sent a red heart back and drifted off to sleep.
I woke in the morning to a bit of a harsh message from my (ex)partner: “yes, your heart is blackened” with a winking face at the end.
Perplexed, and a little hurt, I sent a message back asking why he was being so mean.
Upon me flew an avalanche of repressed feelings, the most important being, “you still haven’t told me why you’re doing this.” (Ending our relationship, he means)
I felt rather annoyed at that – I had told him multiple times because his memory, as you can probably guess, is terrible. Having carved this day out as a “me” day, not really wanting to face anything else, I merely responded that I had and I don’t want to go back into it because it’s too painful.
He took this as, “well, if it’s painful then perhaps it’s not something that you want to do.”
Clearly, a month after we parted ways, it is still not clear to him that by “painful” I mean it’s hard for me to keep rehashing it over and over again, and to be reminded of the fact that I hurt the feelings of somebody – which I absolutely despise to do.
At this, I am reminded that my (ex)partner is not one to extend himself to the plight of others. He hardly ever puts himself in another person’s shoes, which is part of the eye-opening reason I don’t think we are suited to each other.
Considering I had just, a mere two days before, learned of the passing of my Grandfather – does this seem like something a gentleman would do? Knowing of my confusion, having never lost anyone in my family before, my worry about my mother, and having to face a mountain of questions at work including, but not limited to, “what are you doing here?” and “how close where you?” – as if that’s the scale of how much you’re allowed to be sad.
I cannot recall the rest of the conversation – having deleted his name from my messages so I wouldn’t have to see his last message “fine” over and over again – but his actions have definitely, even more so, concreted my decision as the right thing for me to do.
Us still being close friends, and business partners, has blurred the lines a little too much – being the the cause of his despair I can’t also be the comforter – and I’m thinking that perhaps he needs some time without me to really come to terms with our break up.
He needs to vent to someone that is not me, and I need to distance myself.
I also need to eat breakfast…