It was the most glorious morning to wake up to today. What I thought was a garbage truck emptying huge bins at the nearby shops was actually thunder. Imagine my surprise when I heard the comforting sound of rain on the roof.
I love storms and the rain. It’s what make me feel safe, for some reason.
At my acupuncture appointment we tried our best to realign everything so I felt more in my body and as if everything around me wasn’t fake, but it just seems like that part of me that does that didn’t want to budge. I’m glad I have the next 5 days off work to get my shit together and spend some time alone to relax.
I realised this afternoon that sometimes I do things for the wrong reason. I’m not really going to go into much detail about specifics, but I’m someone who doesn’t know how to do things for myself. Not in a “real life” kind of way… let’s see, how to explain…
Some people are givers. I’m sure you’ve met one, or perhaps you are one – someone who puts everyone they love (and even complete strangers) ahead of themselves. They don’t do it to get recognition (although it doesn’t hurt, right?) or to get the same in return, it’s just an automated program.
I’m a giver, and I like being a giver. Nothing makes me happier than to see others happy.
But the problem with serious givers is that we need to see the affect of the gifts. It’s something that happens outside of ourselves.
So giving ourselves gifts is hard. It’s not a surprise, because we already know what it is. It’s a wonderful gift but we don’t get to enjoy the reaction… unless we stand in front of a mirror… and often it’s very hard to get the same feeling giving a gift to ourselves than if we were giving it to someone else.
So, to eventually get to my point down here, I find it somewhat difficult to know what paths to take in life because I can’t “read” myself. Sure, I know what I like and what I don’t like, but I can’t see in myself what I can see in others.
I don’t know if what I’m doing is the right thing, because I’m not standing in front/next to myself saying, “yes, well done, that one.”
Have I lost you yet?
A lot of the time I make decisions based on where that path might take me in the future rather than the joy it’ll give me (hopefully) in the progression of it. And once I make a choice, and figure the who, how, what, when, where stuff out in my hard it’s darn hard to change my mind!
Anyway, I’d best get back to packing my stuff.