Anxiety · Personal · Relationship

The Coldest Fire That Ever Was

My emotions have sort of been like a roller coaster. One minute I’m upset and numb and then next I’m over the moon excited. My (ex)partner found out (via email) yesterday that he didn’t get the apartment that he was pretty much told he was getting. He was understandably upset about that, and so was I.

Then, he started having a lot of chest pains and walked out to me in the kitchen with 000 on the screen of his phone. My (ex)partner is one of those “mans” man, so for him to do that was a bit scary. Thankfully, after a while, it passed and I had a bit of a cry – not because of what happened, but I think because of all the emotions I’d been denying or holding onto lately.

For a few moments there I considered getting back together with him just so he wouldn’t be in pain. I can’t imagine what it must feel like for him, how he must feel about his life.

After that I asked if I could go and see my new couch, so we ordered some Chinese food and sat in my new apartment, on my new (used) lounge, and I became overwhelmed with joy and excitement. Thinking about sitting next to the open window, curled up with a book and a cup of tea, snuggled up in a blanket… heaven.

I’d really like for all of this moving hooplah to be over so I can get back into my music. It has been so very long since I actually enjoyed sitting down and playing. I find it very difficult to do while stressed.

In other news, a couple of the new starters at my work are arty girls which is great. I’ve organised to hang out with one of them this coming Friday afternoon for a relaxing creative time. That’s something that I miss quite a bit; being around people with the same creative interests. Plus, it’s a lot easier to get projects finished when you’re around someone doing the same thing.

It’s starting to get cold around my neck of the woods, but a pleasant cold with just a hint of what’s to come this winter. I absolutely hate winter because of my ability to feel the cold – which I’ve learned quite recently from Chinese medicine can be changed.

I find it incredibly ironic that I’m a Leo, a fire sign ruled by the Sun, and a Tiger in Chinese traditions, also born in the time of fire, and yet I’m the coldest thing in the world! But of course, when I do the research about energy (chi) and all that stuff, I get why I’m that way.

I’m coping the best I can… or as my acupuncturist put it on Friday, “you’re holding things together!”

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