I spent a lot of time yesterday pondering on the choice I had to make; rent an apartment with my partner or rent one on my own.
To tell you the truth, I already knew, deep down, what was right for me – so much so that I got the ball rolling with my mother to be guarantor (just in case they didn’t like the fact that I’m only employed casually) for a one-bedroom as if I was on auto-pilot.
When I picked my partner and his friend (a mutual friend of ours now) up from work yesterday she asked, “so what’s going on?” and my partner said, “yeah, what is happening?” and so I said that I had to go with my heart on this one and for us to have our own places. Our friend asked, “does that mean you’re breaking up?” and I said, “heavens no! we’re fine!”
After that my partner and I went to pick up his car from a repairs shop and as we walked across the road he held me close and said, “you said we were fine.” I replied with, “well, we are, aren’t we?” He said, “yes, I just wasn’t sure, I got the feeling we weren’t.”
Explaining this whole thing to others is a little harder than I expected. The rules and beliefs we have around relationships as a society are so deeply ingrained that for two people who have been living together for 3 years to go into separate homes is technically a separation. I have received a lot of negative comments, mostly along the lines of “that’s pretty much a break up.”
I really can’t explain it to anyone, not even my partner, but I don’t suppose I really have to. It’s the way that my heart is pulling me and I’m not going to ignore it this time.
All my life, since as long as I can remember, I’ve taken the guidance of others over my own intuition and their emotions over my own – look where it got me. Panicked, anxious, scared, confused, withdrawn, angry and fearful.
Every time I have had this feeling and not followed it, I always look back and think, “I should have listened to myself.” Well NO MORE! Break the cycle! I’ve been the one who is strong for others for 28 years, putting my own needs off in order to please them, I think it’s time I step up and be strong for myself.
My partner and I have already, in the space of 2 days, become much closer and back to our old selves – the way we were before things started to go bad.
To tell you the honest to God truth about it all, I fear that if I didn’t take this step, my partner and I would end up parting ways. We’d move into an apartment, the same issues would get worse, and that would be that.
So after all the smooth sailing, and after dropping off my application, the Ego decided to chip in with it’s two cents. It’s always fear with that Ego, isn’t it? “What if moving out by yourself is the wrong choice?” “What if you lose (my partner)?” “What if he becomes evil and does something to hurt you?”
Thankfully I’ve learned a wonderful lesson over the past year or so, that if it is a fear-based question or idea it’s usually the Ego wanting to second-guess things. If the question or idea fills you with joy and possibility (even if it is a “negative” question) then it’s probably the real you trying to poke it’s head out.
Either way I am happy with the decision I’ve made and I’ll walk down whatever path it leads me.