Up and down the bouuulevaard…
So everything is up in the air like you wouldn’t believe.
I had this great idea yesterday that I move into an apartment by myself, he goes on his work trip and then comes back and figures out what to do.
He had the idea that we find a two bedroom apartment, move in there, he goes on his work trip (so I get a feel of what it is like living alone) and then when he comes back I can either stay there or move into my own place.
Then, “the talk” began – him saying that if we were getting separate places then that was just a hop, skip and a jump to breaking up. He then went on to tell me all about his values, how they’re changing, he opened up to me in a way that he really hasn’t done in a long time. It broke my heart. We figured out together why we were drifting apart – I wasn’t getting what I needed, but neither was he. He needed support and help with his businesses, which is the reason why things have been so “work, work, work” with him lately. A relationship is a team and we haven’t been much of one. I wasn’t getting all the affection and closeness that I needed so I was less and less inclined to help – you know, it was one of those Catch 22 cycles.
There’s a couple of things that might happen. We move in together, help each other more, our connection gets stronger and I end up staying. The second is I still feel like I want to move out after we’re in the 2 bedroom for a while and so we are still together but separate homes. The third is we move out into separate places straight away but are still committed to each other. Fourth is separate and back to just dating again – not as serious, our finances will be separate, but we will still see each other. Fifth (and least likely) we separate completely, stay friends and business partners, and that’s it.
The sixth option (separate and have absolutely nothing to do with each other) is impossible, neither of us want that.
So, we went to view the one bedrooms again today and the more we had a look around the more my partner began to like the idea of having separate places again.
Me, on the other hand, I think I’ve always been focused on having my own place again. When I walked into the one I liked I had the distinct feeling that it was my home and I ALWAYS get that feeling before moving into the right place for me.
That’s why I am so confused. I can see the validity of my partner’s plan (of renting a 2 bedroom and then I can see what I want to do after he gets back from deployment) it makes a lot of sense, but my intuition is ALWAYS right, and every time I DON’T follow it’s guidance I usually “pay” for it (in hindsight).
It’s easy for everyone around me to say, “just do what makes you happy” but when there are the emotions of another person involved I can’t, especially someone that, despite the things that piss me off, I have such a strong connection with him.
I have to work it all out before I pick my partner up after work this afternoon, if we’ll go ahead with his plan or I stick to what I want to do.
I think I sort of owe it to myself to explore the option of being independent again. I have been thinking about moving out by myself for such a long time now I’d be a fool to pass up the opportunity.
I think it’s just one of those, “you won’t know if you don’t try.” If I don’t like it then we can always move back in together again.