So my partner and I have decided to go our separate ways for a little while – while not technically breaking up, we will no longer share an abode. There are many reasons for this, but I guess the main one is our happiness.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my partner, but things have have been getting worse and worse. He is becoming more and more like a child who is waited on, and I’m becoming more and more like a nagging mother who doesn’t feel at all appreciated. That also gives him more time to worry about money, which is just making him more and more depressed.
We’re wanting our independence back, basically. I’m sick of having so much crap around that I can’t think straight (or often move/see the floor) and he is wanting me to stop doing everything for him so he has to get out of his funk.
I called my parents last night on the phone – to be honest with you they are always the people I go to for help – and they could tell I wasn’t happy. I’m just someone who takes on the problems of the person I am with, whether I want to or not, and I’m getting tired. Often I’ll go out and have a really good time with a friend, or have a great day at work, or have a really great acupuncture appointment/singing lesson, and I’ll come home to a man so focused on business that it just takes the fun out of it.
Today, after we discussed living separately, and after we had a look at some new apartments a couple of blocks away, we went to the mall and we were our old selves again. We had things to talk about over lunch, and laughed like we used to.
I know that perhaps people out there might think it weird (I know one of my friends definitely did) for two people who have been together for 4 years now to go from merging everything to disconnecting like this, but my relationships will never be conventional. I have tried to change for someone I truly care about but the more I do the less and less joy I feel.
I can’t tell you how excited I am to have my own place. I can decorate it how I want (and since I have my freedom from anxiety, I can finally go out shopping by myself!), I don’t have to worry about my partner coming to bed at 1 AM, if I want to spent the night alone without any interruptions I can, and I don’t have to validate anything I do to anyone. If I want to spend the whole day sitting on the lounge playing video games, then I will!
My partner will enjoy it too, I think. He won’t have me dictating who can come over and when they have to leave, I won’t constantly nag him to do chores around the house, he’ll have to look after himself again (which is his reasoning as to why he has “changed”) and various other things.
There were about 3 different styles I liked at the apartments, and I can’t decide with one to pick!
One has stairs to a bedroom and bathroom, with the kitchen and lounge downstairs and a balcony outside (which is on the ground level so I could just walk out to the common area with grass etc.
The second has a cool little study nook, no stairs (which I’m sure my parents would love) and some funky shelves built in.
The third is a little different – it reminds me a little of my flat at uni. Small, manageable, a bedroom that is partitioned off by sliding doors (a little like Japanese paper doors) and a balcony that is inside. I know that sounds weird, but it has a big sliding door that sections off the lounge and balcony area. I like it because of that balcony, because it was quiet warm (because of the sun) which means it would be warm in the winter (less heater) and I will be able to grow plants inside in the Winter.
It’s making the choice so hard!
If my parents (or one of them) ever wants to stay with me (or a friend for that matter) then the last option wouldn’t really work.
Anyway, that’s what has been going on with me. Decisions, decisions.