Now that I am a bit over social media as a reward, I have to come up with something to look forward to after I complete my next week of goals. In the past it would have been something food related, but I eat everything I wish to eat these days, and I can’t for the life of me think of anything. Maybe something like a massage? Or I could go to the mall and buy a new outfit? Actually, that sounds rather enticing… new outfit it is!
So, what’s with the title of this blog? Very simple really, and it goes a little something like this:
Except in my case, it’s the opposite – you might think you don’t like someone…
Like many, many, MANY other people out there, my heart has been hurt and so I do the ever seductive emotionally unavailable dance when the person I’m with practically throws themselves into the relationship head first. “I love you’s” are always within the first 2 weeks and always from the male.
So I have been fighting off my partner tooth and nail, convinced (for some reason) that he’s not the one for me, poking holes in pretty much everything I can, waiting for some great sign from the universe to tell me to move on…
…all the while not realising just how in love I am and that in imagining my life without him, I would be terribly upset.
I’m ashamed to say that it’s only been recently that I’ve completely switched my thinking. I’ve come back down to earth, my head is no longer drifting aimlessly in the clouds, and I made the choice to open my heart and to love.
Around the same time my partner starting having a mid-life crisis, began to think the idea of a family (us having children) through, all the travel he still wanted to accomplish, all the goals he had in mind, and wanting to feel like a “man” again. Apparently I have an uncanny talent to make my men feel emasculated… I kid, but my will is just as strong as his. We are both very headstrong people which can make life difficult at times.
Talk about bad timing!
So, due to work commitments, it looks as though my partner will be going out of town for months at a time – a prospect that would have scared the shit out of me if I was still struggling with anxiety but thankfully not now – and so I will be moving back into an apartment-type environment by myself. He will use the time to get away from it all, throw himself into work, exercise and not much else. I will use the time to keep doing what I’m doing, growing, changing, getting stronger.
When he gets back we will go from there, I suppose. There is a possibility that we may go our own ways, and I would be sad, but with the new-found freedom I’m experiencing away from the shackles of constant anxiety and panic, I am strangely okay with it.
What will it be like to have my independence back? I haven’t experienced it at this level since I moved here 6 years ago.
Have faith, hey.