Personal · Relationship

The Year Of Decisions

I haven’t been keeping up with writing lately because I escaped the evil clutches of the Internet’s Web and I haven’t really looked back. I do miss being on WordPress though, mostly to read other blogs and get an insight into other people’s lives. It helps keep things all relevant, you know?

I have been working mostly – 10 shifts already and 4 more to go for the rest of the month. My full-time partner is now on his 13th day back, to put a little spin of perspective on it. If you had told me last month that I would be as capable and independent as I am right now I probably would have laughed in your face; albeit silently, on the inside.

I have not been worried at all, I’ve faced pretty much no anxiety (except for one day when I was ill) and I’ve also felt quite strong emotionally.

My inner critic and I are starting to get along. It was hard work to team up together, took a long time to be able to come to agreements, but I finally no longer feel torn and heavy within. I still have some work to do, but I am just so thankful for everything I’ve learned from my acupuncturist (and others) and so very grateful that I am beginning to accept myself.

 

I’ve been thinking a lot about indecision lately. I’ve always shied away from making decisions because it was too much pressure for a sensitive person who judged themselves so harshly. Last night, as I spoke to my partner who clearly had something big on his mind, I found that he too was in the same boat.

“I’ve always just thought about things, constantly, and look where it’s got me?!” he said.

I am right there with him.

My constant thinking hasn’t moved me in any direction, forward or backward, I have always stayed in the same place by questioning everything rather than just taking a chance.

I know that if I continue to do this I will just end up with a heart that is even more closed off and possibly losing my partner; and if I was being completely honest with myself, it would be such a crime to lose someone so supportive, kind-hearted and strong – a man I know would do anything for his family and be a fantastic father.

I know that my indecision is causing him to also feel like he is all over the place. For him to know that he has a partner, someone to be supported by and to love him, would do wonders for his self-esteem and he wouldn’t have to worry about it so much.

I think I’ve pretty much decided that he is my knight, and not everyone is so lucky to find one. He may not always know what I want, but he always provides me with what I need.

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