I apologise for my lack of posting – I absolutely love writing here at ArtfulAnxiety but life has just been so messy I haven’t had a chance to really sit down and get my thoughts and feeling out.
I’ve worked 6 days already this year (and it’s only the 12th) and all other days in between have been either me cleaning the house, taking some time out for myself to relax or spending time with my partner. I actually had a nice afternoon of that yesterday; my partner lay on the lounge and I snuggled up next to him.
So I had a bit of a hectic moment on Friday last week – my partner came home exclaiming, “I want to have a baby next year” – as in he wants to start trying mid-year and we’d have it next year. I’d been pretty much on cloud 9 since the New Year ticked over and then this really floored me.
it’s not that I don’t wish to have a family – of course I would love to – but I’m not sure if I’m ready to have a child so soon. I just started feeling like myself for the first time in many, many years. The biggest problem is our age gap; he is 8 years older than me, and obviously he doesn’t want to wait until his 40s to have kids.
I was so taken aback that I forgot to take my medication on Saturday which I didn’t really notice at all, besides the fact that I became overly emotional and overwhelmed – but who wouldn’t! I did notice a return to normalcy once the Sunday tablet kicked in and I spent the day at work away from home.
Being pregnant sort of makes me feel a bit anxious because I just know I’ll be one of those mothers in the delivery room saying, “I’ve changed my mind! I don’t want to have a baby!” merely because of the pain I’ll have to go through. Who knows, perhaps I’ll be one of those lucky women where the baby just pops out.
Why did I get so emotional about it all? We’ll I suppose it was the feeling as if I never have any say over how my life goes – the one luxury you seem to lose with anxiety. Choices you make are often based in fear. I moved in with my partner a year after we started our relationship merely because of the intense Agoraphobia I experienced around a lot of daily tasks. I thought I would elevate the tension and duty of my parents. If I’d been a perfectly we’ll person at the time I would never have moved so fast.
I guess that’s just life though. You can either go with the flow or try and fight it but I’ve learned that fighting only generally tends to make things a lot worse!