Already December. Where did 2014 go?
At the moment I’m just chilling at home – I took some time off work to get settled with medication and will hopefully start up again in the New Year.
I think that the dose of my medication is too high – I wasn’t really all that bad with anxiety and panic attacks to begin with, I’m not really sure why my doctor didn’t put me on the lowest dose first.
However I do feel slightly different. I’m not moping around the house anymore and I feel a lot better within myself. I didn’t think I was depressed but hey, I guess if you live with something for so long the feeling just becomes “normal.” I don’t feel like there is a constant battle raging inside of me anymore and I don’t feel numb.
I watched half of the T.V. show The Walking Dead without medication and the other half after the meds. I tell you what, there was a huge difference. Before, I wasn’t phased by anything – it didn’t matter if a zombie jumped out or something shocking happened, I would just sit there. After, pretty much everything that was supposed to scare the audience scared me too. When I told my partner after he got home from work he said, “that’s good! That’s what normal people are supposed to feel!” – this coming from a guy who jumped out at me 3 times the day I got back from my parent’s farm to “test the effectiveness of the drugs.”
And I suppose he is right. I spent a lot of my time protecting myself by shutting down emotions and reactions. Even though it helped me in the past, I’m not too sure if it actually did me any good in the long run.
The nausea has gone, and thanks to my acupuncturist I was able to sleep properly last night. My partner got out of bed at about 1 AM thinking it was time for him to go to work – I thought he was just going to the bathroom, but when he didn’t come back straight away I started to wonder. When he finally did come back in he told me he felt like he’d slept for years. I was scared I wouldn’t be able to fall back asleep again after that, but surprisingly I did.
The only annoying thing lingering is yawning. I’m not sure if it’s just my body trying to regain some sleep that I’ve lost over the past 4 days or if it’s the medication. Either way, I hope it stops soon.
To be honest I didn’t really want to take drugs for my mental health. I thought I would be able to beat it just like my acupuncturist did; alone, by myself.
But sometimes there’s a place for everything; natural and medical. Just because I’m treating some symptoms with tablets doesn’t mean I’m going to give up on my health or on bettering myself.
Sometimes there’s room for both.