Anxiety · Personal

Fork In The Road

at_the_crossroad_by_hermanne_allan_poe
image source: magickfromscratch.com

So today I’ve come to a pretty important divergence in my path; things have gotten to the point where I am very seriously contemplating medicating myself for anxiety.

I’ve come along way over the past 6 years but my doctor today made a very enlightening point.

“It sounds as though it’s impacting your life to the point where things are getting out of hand. I can’t force you to treat yourself, that’s your own decision to make, but it really sounds like you need to do something.”

He is right. I’m 28 and still unable to live as a proper adult.

Although I’ve made a lot of progress, my world is getting smaller and smaller. I’m not sure if it is the anxiety and my health that’s keeping me from doing things (like see friends I haven’t seen for a while, work more often, go on outings etc) or just the fact that things have become so complacent in my life that there’s no need to push myself anymore.

Yes, I am afraid of panic attacks. I’m afraid of the mere experience of it and to be perfectly honest it does stop me from doing things.

We only have one body – what happens if mine is faulty? I can’t afford to get anxious every time I get sick, to be shoved back to the starting line when I catch a cold or upset my digestive system.

Unfortunately for me I can’t just get a new one – I have to live with it. It’s hard to explain to anyone that I’m afraid of my own body, but I’d liken it to a turtle without a shell.

A friend of my partner takes medication for her anxiety, and although at times things are hard, she manages to get by pretty well. She can do things alone, go to work, see friends, be social – she is, however, an extrovert by nature.

And, of course, I know of other bloggers online who take medication but are still stuck.

 

Does taking medication affect other things? Like acupuncture? Doing my own self-healing? Will it be pointless to see my naturopath if I have chemicals running through my body?

Am I just doing this because my partner wants me to? Because in his eyes he has seen no progress over the past 4 years – just a back and forth between illness and scraping by?

I know it doesn’t seem like a big decision, but it has the potential to change my life in the way I can’t work out if it would be good or bad.

 

You have to figure out what you want to do and the road you want to take. It’s up to you no-one else matters. Work out the pros and cons, write it out, make a plan for yourself for the future…

…you’re under too much pressure from everyone. Ignore us all. We will support whatever you decide. We can support you financially in whatever path you take. This could be a new beginning.

Love,

Mum.

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