No Idea What’s Going On

So I am still not well. I have no idea what’s going on.

I was supposed to go into work today, but I didn’t – good thing too, because my partner came home sick 3 hours after I dropped him off. He is feeling drained, I’m feeling sick and drained… FUN!

I also had a panic attack while picking my partner up. I haven’t been feeling all that well in my guts, coupled with feeling light-headed and tired. When I started getting panicked waiting for my partner to come downstairs, I couldn’t shut it down. Actually, it was more like I couldn’t concentrate – nor did I really want to – to turn it off. The fact that I couldn’t get my partner on the phone either didn’t help.

By the time he came down to the car I couldn’t control my hands from shaking. Not major shaking, mind you; just what you see happen to people who were just scared out of their mind. I drove home, mostly because I wanted to, but my partner also said “I want to see what you drive like when you’re panicked.” At this stage the panic had passed and I was just experiencing the aftershocks.

I just want to be over this, you know? Especially since I am missing work and I only work as many shifts as a casual can get – I don’t get paid for sick days and I don’t have any paid leave I can take. My partner and I are struggling enough as it is; this isn’t welcome at all.


Oh, and I was reminded the other day that my partner and I are going on yet another cruise early next year. We are going again because the company gave us $400 of on-board credit for fucking up our last holiday – however it was only going to last for one year.

In order to get to the place where the ship is leaving, we have to FLY. So I will be FLYING there, getting on a boat, having a “holiday”, getting off the boat, and then FLYING back home.

I use the term “holiday” very loosely in this scenario because, well, if you suffer from any kind of anxiety disorder you understand why. Does that sound like a nice relaxing holiday to you?

A holiday for me would be relaxing in a cabin somewhere, away from people, or on the beach just doing my own thing, enjoying nature with my FEET FIRMLY PLANTED ON THE GROUND!


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