Anxiety · Personal

Boy, It’s Hard To Let Go

Certain things are easy for me to let go of; namely “stuff” on the outside. I’ve had many instances in my life where my “stuff” could have easily gone and I learned that even if it did, it is easy to replace – not just that, but new, different stuff would take it’s place.

The things I find very hard to let go of are on the inside:

My thoughts about how my life should be, and the beliefs I hold about myself.

For example, I’ve held onto a dream for so long to be a musician and to perform. I have a set idea of how it will happen, when it will happen, why it will happen and everything in between.

However I’ve realised recently that the more I hold onto the how, why, when of it all the more I am probably missing opportunities. Not only that, but I discard other experiences in my life that seemingly have nothing to do with music purely for that reason.

I mean, who knows? If I join that “how to knit” group perhaps I may meet someone who loves music as much as I do; we could team up, play together, and I could be doing something I love.

You just never know, you know?

Yes, I am a control freak in more ways than one.

I have been such a control freak for the last 10 years that, hey, look where I am now with my dream! Absolutely no where.

 

I also find this regarding my thoughts and beliefs about who I am. You know, I recognise that most thoughts I think are not worth my time and after a lot of soul searching I know that some experiences in my life have lead me to believe I’m capable of some things but not others. Anxiety is a huge part of this.

What I find very weird about this logically is I can look back at memories and think, “well, if I did it then, surely I can do it now…” but when push comes to shove, in this year, in this moment in time, I don’t seem to be able to.

For example, when I was 18 my friends and I went down the coast for “schoolies”. We just wanted to spend some time relaxing together as a group and so the girls hired one cabin and the boys another. On the way there, I drove my car and in it a couple of friends who didn’t have their license. Then, halfway through the vacation I had to leave and go to an interview for University, so I drove back to my hometown and went with my parents to said interview. THEN, when I was done, I drove BACK down the coast. THEN, AGAIN I drove back to my hometown because I had to attend ANOTHER interview.

If you were to ask me to do that now, well, that’s sort of my problem. That’s sort of why my life is so boring. Now, I couldn’t even make it to the end of my street with a car full of friends who didn’t have their license without freaking out in some way.

And herein lies my point.

Logically, i know I am capable of doing it – I’ve done it before, and there’s nothing really stopping me from doing it again besides anxiety – which,
a) I did have back then anyway just not as full-on (or, at least I didn’t pay so much attention to it), and
b) if I’ve been told correctly by my therapists is just a figment of my imagination. Even though the feeling is real, the actual idea of anxiety about not being able to do it is not.

So, why can’t I let that go? If I understand logically that it’s all just bull – why is it still here?

I think more importantly, how do I let it go?

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