As my partner and I drove home from pub trivia night last night (which this current introvert mistakenly thought it would be a great idea to attend) I began to cry.
You know, crying with some sort of makeup on your eyelashes gives off a cool hazy effect in your vision… anyway, I digress.
I felt like my whole world had ended. Everything just sort of felt overwhelming (that feeling hasn’t stopped, mind you) and I confided in my partner that I felt lost – as if I didn’t really fit in anywhere, and as though everything I tried to do for myself was going nowhere.
My partner rebutted that there were many things I was accomplishing and that I was doing so well. Every time I said, “yeah, but I can’t drive across town to another suburb and get something I want” or something similar he would reply with, “yes you can!”
It was at that moment where I wished I could see myself through his eyes – through eyes that knew the real me and could actually comprehend how much I’ve done and how well I continue to soldier on. Someone who could see how strong and independent I can be, as apposed to how weak I often think I am.
Isn’t that always the case? We always try to remain so humble in our lives to the point where we pass everything we do off as “no big deal.” Where is the validity in being that humble? Is it worth losing our sense of self-worth and self-acceptance to make sure we don’t rock the boats around us?
I mean, a lot of people dislike a man in the music industry because of his uncontrollable arrogance, but I honestly relish the kind of self-love he has. Sure, I would probably dial it down a notch, but at least I would no longer doubt myself. At least if I said, “I did an awesome job today!” I would believe it.
I watched an interview of Dave Chappelle on a talk show a year or so ago and he told a story – years and years ago there was a man that no one knew, but this man still had an absolute knowing that he was somebody. Look at where he is now; a man that wants for nothing. A career that is meaningful to him, a new wife and family, the abundance to do whatever he felt he need to do when he needs to do it. The man has a vision and he goes after it because in his mind there is no fail.
And where has being overly humble got me? Well, I’m a twenty-eight-year-old casual often struggling through mental health issues, you do the math.
I know that the key to most things in life is balance – and at the moment I am tipping the scales too far one way.
I wonder how I can break out of my shell again; how to convince myself that believing in myself won’t equate to losing my heart.