I’ve never lost anyone close to me before.
No one in my family has passed away. My Grandma and Grandpa are well into their 90s and my Nan and Pop are doing well in their 80s. My pop was even hit by a car around 4 years ago, and he was out of the hospital in no time. All of my family are well, I still have all of my cousins, aunts, although we did lose my Nan’s sister a year ago – but she was estranged to me. Don’t get me wrong, I still cared for her, but it’s hard to form a relationship with someone you hardly see.
Now, my Grandma is in hospital after having a small stroke. I’m not sad, because my Grandma is a resilient woman. She has already had by-pass surgery and then a new heart valve, and even though that was only supposed to give her another 7 years, it has been well over 22 since then.
I don’t know how I would feel if my Grandmother or any relative for that matter passed away. All of my family lives so far away that I rarely get to see them. My Grandparent’s old age makes it difficult to call them for their own daughter (my mother) let alone me. My Grandpa is pretty much deaf and they are in a routine now, my uncle makes sure of that – there are certain times when people can call, etc etc.
The most annoying thing is obviously the anxiety. It keeps me from doing things such as jumping in the car and driving to visit family.
I think if anything I will break down and cry if I saw my mother upset. Not in a “monkey see, monkey do” type fashion, but I love my parents and to see them in pain is very much unbearable. If my Grandmother passed, there would be no question that I would have to go right home and comfort my mum.
My mother and my brother were planning on driving to Sydney to visit my Grandma and Grandpa, but now she is in the hospital my father is also going and they’ve asked me if I wanted to visit too. When I took the call this morning, my mind was focused on the anxiety I’ve been feeling lately and having travel all that way – but now that I’m not groggy with sleep I know that this is perhaps the last time I will get to see her.
In a way I don’t want to see her fragile, I’d rather remember her how we’ve left it – a strong, capable woman who baked scones and tea cakes, and would make us beautiful roast dinners every time we stayed. She has always had a kind heart, it’s something you could just sense. She never raised her voice, you never heard her being rude or gossiping, she just loved.
I think that’s why I love her so much.