I don’t like to sit here and stare at a blank text area, especially when there is so much going on inside my mind.
You know what? I woke up today feeling fine – as in, the funk that I wrote about in my last post I was able to shake when I slept. I felt different, yet again, but I guess I sort of felt lighter.
I encouraged my partner to go and have lunch with me at our usual spot, luring him out with, “look, I’m not in a bad mood anymore!” I made an effort to talk to him, brought a giant watermelon afterwards, and then headed outside into the garden for the rest of the day.
I focused on weeding, sweeping, cutting back, wondering if some small plants were weeds or actually meant to be there (the bane of renting) and so on.
Keeping things simple right now, I think that’s the key. No need to blow things out of proportion. If, by some miracle, I have managed to let things go via a big old cry, a-la Eat Pray Love style, then I’m not going to push my luck.
There are a couple of things I realised I would simplify,,,
If I get too frustrated trying to sing, or struggle to get lyrics out – then I’ll focus more on just the instrumental side of things. I never struggle when I play piano, it’s always free-flowing and makes me feel happy. If I have that going for me, why spoil it?
I’m also tossing up a choice to study either counselling, being a naturopath or massage. I’ve pinned most of my future on the whole music thing, and it’s not to say I’m giving up on that dream, but realistically it may take a little while for that to sprout wings considering I’m still finding it difficult even putting my stuff out there for now.
I can’t keep not making decisions for myself, because before I know it I will be the crazy cat lady – and I’m not joking.
My acupuncturist/all around great healer suggested to me that perhaps I was still stuck in a “performance anxiety” cycle – one that I’ve brought with me from childhood and never sort of “grown out of.” I told her I was fine in a crisis, in a really fast-paced environment I shine, but when I’m still the anxiety is worse. It clicked when I thought about the last hour or so before I leave work to go home – it’s always the hardest.
She related it all to my childhood performances – having to wait to get up on stage and play, but when it was over I could relax.
Oh no, I said, I had to wait around for the trophies – to see if I placed. That, my friends, was the worst. I can’t stand not knowing; I’m a little better at it now, but back then, I was always abuzz with anxiety. Even after exams I was still wired.
The only time when I could fully relax was when I was finally able to return home.
Explains my Agoraphobia right there.
Years and years of training my mind, my body, that the only safe place, the only place where I could let my guard down was at home. YEARS of it. Not just one or two experiences.
So, that’s what I’m going to work on next.
Keep it simple.
My partner is talking about buying a house as well, which I guess added to my stress levels a bit, but that’s a whole other post.
Hope everyone is well.