I should have known something was wrong – if only I wasn’t focused in my own non-problems then maybe I could have caught on a little sooner.
My partner never gets sick, never gets run-down. He also never returns home from work about an hour after he left, or disappears behind closed doors to have phone conversations.
He was right to come clean later last night, after I had returned from work and made dinner. I insist that it wouldn’t have made a difference to my day if I had known before, but he is right. I probably would have been thinking about it the whole time.
When my partner had told me that he had been sent home from work just before I left for my afternoon shift I just assumed it was because he was sick – proper sick, with chest coughing and all that. When he got home and was sitting on the couch he said to me, “does it look like I’ve been crying?” I looked at his face and replied yes, but it didn’t really click with me that he was dropping a hint.
He hasn’t been happy with work for a long time, which I was aware of, but didn’t really understand the gravity of. I thought the main reason for him wanting to “get rich quick” was because of the money – although, that is partly the case – but I think it’s because he desperately wanted to get away from the desk. He had even told me he would much rather go back to a job where he worked long hours, was stressed out of his brain, tired, angry, and a job that put a lot of strain on our relationship, than to spend another day where he currently is.
He told me what had happened at work as we settled in to watch a T.V show (which I won’t go into detail on because I’m sure he would classify it as “un-manly” and be embarrassed about) and that his workplace was giving him a little time off while they sort and sift, and find him another job to do within the department.
I told him, “that is one good thing about where you work; that they go out of their way to help employees” but he did rebut with, “yeah, when it’s too late.”
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own little world, my own problems, that they take precedent over everything else in my life, including people I care about. I mean, I take pride in the fact that I can always pick up on other people’s emotions and moods, and I have let both my stresses get in the way but also my own views on who my partner is override any warning bells I may have felt. Who knows, perhaps that’s why I’ve also been feeling down in the dumps lately? It never occurred to me that perhaps it wasn’t even my feelings to begin with.
Anxiety can be a very selfish thing. It causes people to go so far inwards that it’s not “what can I do for that person” it’s “how will that thing I do for that person affect me?” I don’t think it’s by intent – I’ve had anxiety for so long that it just becomes a force of habit. It’s interesting – something I’ll have to have a little think about.