Last night, as I sat on my bed flipping through cards, my partner came in and rested his head in my lap asking if I was going to break up with him. I stroked his hair and assured him that I wasn’t going to. When I think about life without my partner I feel unnerved, unsettled, and I take that as a pretty good sign it’s still worth fighting for.
I wasn’t even thinking about my relationship for the first time in forever, just some stupid music competition I entered almost 2 months ago. I call it stupid because yesterday they were going to contact the top 20 candidates for their scholarship and apparently I’m not one of them. I was scared to go anywhere near my phone all day; not because of my weird anxiety phobia of talking on the phone sometimes, but because of this very scenario.
I wish I could be one of those people that immediately jumps on the positive, all, “oh well, wasn’t for me – I’ll just look forward to the next opportunity that comes up!” but it doesn’t happen straight away. I got sad, then a little annoyed that some panel of judges somewhere deems me “not good enough”, then accepting because I didn’t really send them “the best of the best” of my work, then angry – all, “I’ll show them!”
Sometimes I feel like going rogue – and by that I don’t mean ditching all my principals and beliefs and doing whatever I feel like regardless of the consequences.
My brother used to watch X-Men, the cartoon version, every morning before school. I remember a couple of episodes where a character called Rogue went a little nutty and turned on, well, pretty much everyone.
I’m not going to pretend like I know the X-Men background, but I was always interested in this character – even more so when her eyes went crazy and she spoke as if she was possessed by an Ancient Egyptian god.
See, Rogue has the ability to absorb things, and while the T.V. show dealt mainly with absorbing the abilities of other mutants, I kind of feel like it’s a comment on a person’s ability to be able to absorb things from their surroundings. In my case, or in the case of anxiety, I think we absorb too much from our environment but unfortunately for us, we never go “Rogue.”
Rogue’s response to taking too much on board was to let it out – to go a little crazy at times.
This is one of those situations that calls for a little bit of Rogue-ness. Instead of beating myself up, wondering if I’m “good enough” and all that bullsh*t, I should buck up and let a couple of my other personalities out. Let’s get a bit bitch-y Artful, let’s stick it to the man. It’s okay not to be happy with how things are working out, as long as you fight for the change.
I think the worse thing to do at a time like this is to not feel anything.
I’m not above feeling things so why bother pretending.
In other news, I am very sore today. I managed to do my exercises yesterday, bar the ones that hurt my swollen knee, and then I jumped into a bath of Epsom Salts to help drain out any toxins. I kept my food light and healthy all day – and then at around 6 one of my friends joined me to have our “snack dinner” and watch a movie. I love our “snack” meals because there is always so many different things to eat and it’s all healthy. Fruit, salads, freshly made avocado dip, spiced pumpkin balls – yum.
I think I’ll spend most of my day today relaxing into being happy again. I was on such a good streak with it.