Writing about what I want to write about is so hard to go about because I don’t know how to write about it.
Well, fellow writers and readers of the Internet world, I have changed. The change has been liberating but in the change I may also be faced with decisions that scare me.
What the hell am I talking about, well, here-in lies my predicament.
I had an experience recently that was very personal and opened my eyes, heart and mind, however it’s an experience I can’t openly share. It is very similar to the scenario of “woman is in a relationship but meets another man who makes her feel like new again” but tipping the scales towards a bit more complex than that.
Don’t misinterpret this though! I am not seeing someone behind my partner’s back, nor do I want to – the other person doesn’t even know I had a small crush on them and I don’t intend to entertain my feelings.
But it’s as if I was awoken. All these intense feelings were stirred in me and I fell back in love with life again. I didn’t even know it was the crush that had me feeling this way – it wasn’t until I was standing in the same room as him that it sort of clicked.
The reason I’m putting this out there is because it’s completely changed my whole outlook on life. I’m not scared of anxiety anymore, because rather than just feel completely overwhelmed with adrenaline and cortisol, I got to experience the whole rainbow of “love” emotions (or chemical reactions if you want to get scientific) and it made me feel free.
It made me feel so invisible that I drove all the way to my parent’s house – an hour away – to do a couple of things with my father, and I felt absolutely nothing. No anxiety, no panic, not even a single, teeny-tweeny little negative thought that I couldn’t do it.
There is one problem.
It is clearly the obvious – noticing what falling in love feels like puts me in doubt of my current relationship. I care about my partner a lot, I do love him, but the attraction to him has slowly faded over the past couple of months or so. Don’t get me wrong, I know that this sort of thing is normal in a long-term committed relationship but I would assume that if you wanted to stay with someone there would be some kind of attraction there.
I don’t know, I’ve never broken up with anyone before. I know that people drift apart but I often keep changing my mind; some days I couldn’t imagine my life without him and some days I really wish I was alone.
The biggest warning for me is when my partner talks about kids and I get scared, not at the idea of having children but the idea of having them with him. We are both very strong-headed people with sometimes VERY different views and I am afraid that our usual knocking of heads will become 10 times worse. Yes, again, I am aware that this “happens” in relationships but you’ve never seen us lock horns and since I am a very loving and sensitive person it can often cause me to be unhappy for a long period of time.
As I said before, I am a changing woman. I feel so different. The whole thing has opened my eyes to the possibilities of the world, of my life, and for the first time ever I am ready to be my own boss. That being said I also recognise that it was my own thoughts that caused these crush-like feelings inside and so logically I could fall in love with my partner again.
I recognise that it’s a bit redundant to ask people out there what they think because ultimately it’s my choice, but I feel very, very torn.
Anyone care to help?