Well, look at that!
It’s already been a whole week.
Let me just say that it is so hard to give up something that’s become such an important part of your life – but I suppose we all know that. Unfortunately they don’t make Internet patches like they do for nicotine; if they did I probably would have spent the week looking like this:
I didn’t make it the whole week without using my computer. I’d discovered pretty early on in my experiment that because I can’t reward myself anymore with sweet treats, I have begun to reward myself with computer time. However, it is hard to say, “okay just 30 more minutes then I’m stopping” with no boundaries, with no teacher or loved one to come over and say, “that’s it! Your time is up!”
How did it all go?
Well, I am no long plagued by a head fog. I feel more grounded and energised, more able to go out into the world and interact. I began to get ideas again, inspiration, the wanting to better my life.
I went to the gym with my partner – something I have been staying I’m going to do for probably a month now – finally. I am a lot fitter than I imagined I’d be and that my head fog suggested.
I even spent time with a friend at her house without that constant feeling like I wanted to just go home and “do my own thing.” Finally, after what feels like years, I want to be a part of people and places and things.
Mentally, I am a lot kinder to myself – I think that’s because I had the time to be and I had the clear head to be able to think those thoughts. When you lose yourself online, or in a computer program it’s very easy to disconnect and when you are disconnected then it’s very hard to be accepting of yourself.
I didn’t finish any big projects but you know what? The will is there. The will is back and I’ll cultivate that until I again am happy to take time to do those complex tasks that make me feel good. For now, though, I stick to the easy ones, for example, dancing around my living room listening to songs and laughing at how silly my legs look when I hitch up my pants and dance like a chicken. It’s the simple things – it really is.
So now I face my next great adventure…
(I will just preface this to say that I come from a background of Agoraphobia and Panic Attacks, so bare that in mind as you read!)
My partner’s Nephew is staying with us (all the way from Europe) for a longer period of time than I anticipated. When my partner spoke to me I’m pretty sure he said “Friday until Monday” – however, when I came home from my acupuncture appointment yesterday I was informed that he was staying with us for a week or more.
Of course my anxiety side went a little crazy. A week or more in the house with someone I don’t even know?! When will I have precious time to myself to recharge?
I mean, we all know how it feels to be living in someone else’s house – it’s awkward, you never ever really feel comfortable or relaxed… but we also know how it feels to have a visitor stay with us for long periods of time too. Even if that person says, “there is no obligation to wait on me, just go about your business” you still FEEL an obligation to make sure they are alright.
To make things a little difficult, my partner will “possibly” be taking some time off work – meaning, “I might, I might not” suggesting it will be me and his nephew in this house, alone, for loooooong periods of time. I know that he is “family” – but I don’t know him from a bar of soap!
To give you an indication of how much I like my own space, when I was a kid and I had a friend stay for longer than just one night I started to lose my nerve. I would ask if I could spend some time alone in my room, but had a knock at my door 5 minutes later with my mother asking me, “why aren’t you playing together?” I can’t constantly be around people. I need space. That’s actually part of the reason I like my causal work because on the days I don’t go in I have time to myself, at home, relaxing.
I’m not trying to blow this out of proportion – and if I was still that scared, anxious person I used to be I could see the point of getting all defensive and cranky – but my partner assures me it’ll be fine and so I believe him. He said to me, as I cried in the kitchen, “I know you, I know your brain, you don’t have to worry.”
So I’ve decided to just wait and see. No need to get worked up, no need to put my old shields up. Let’s just stay calm, collected, and happy.
Think good thoughts like, “I’m sure he is a very nice person” and “we are around the same age so I’m sure we’d have some things in common” and “even though I do get anxious in social situations I also love to be in them.”
More positively, I could say, “well, 2 years ago this would have been unthinkable, and now I’m not even getting worked up about sharing my space with others. That’s a great change!”
I have to remind myself that I’m working towards being a new person and I can’t keep on dragging up the way I used to deal with things.
Wish me luck!