As a kid I was super sensitive. If anyone so much as raised their voice, I got scared – even if it wasn’t directed towards me. I wanted everyone around me to be happy, I wanted everyone to enjoy themselves. I would tippy-toe around things so I wouldn’t hurt other peoples feelings, and often I would put my own happiness aside to keep the peace.
I knew that about myself, but what I didn’t know was that I was allowing my thoughts to go down a road that would eventually lead to an inability to control how my physical body reacted to stress.
Instead of standing up for myself in situations that called for it, I would always back down. For example, when my brother burst into my room to tell me that the music I listened to “sucked”, I should have told him to go take a flying leap. What I did instead was stop listening to the radio station I loved and started listening to my brother’s style. Don’t get me wrong, this style of music lead me to some really powerful stuff – that I still love today – but I gave up something that really, really made me happy just to keep the peace.
So, if I was in trouble for something or someone was attacking me/judging me, I sometimes stood up for myself on the outside but never on the inside. I believed what they said, I never nurtured the voice that says, “that’s not true! You’re awesome, loving and perfect the way you are! You keep listening to the music that makes you happy!” because I waited for validation from people around me.
I know that a lot of people reading this wouldn’t follow my thought progression, but I’ve made more progress in the past year with my anxiety just focusing on self-acceptance and love, than any medication, counselling, hypnotherapy, psychology, etc.
When I started I could hardly look at myself in the mirror, or believe it when I said, “I deserve to be happy” or “I did a really great job today” but with time and hard work I’m at the stage now where I can honestly look at myself and say I am happy. Even with the anxiety, the panic, the health issues, the lack – I can still find happiness within.
I still have days when I can’t find the light, but they are few and far between. I no longer have as many nightmares and if I make a mistake it’s a lot easier to turn my thoughts around.
Sometimes we don’t notice the holding patterns we get ourselves into, but when you do life gets a whole lot easier.