I’ve lived a life of What Ifs, but I don’t always consider it a bad thing. So what – I was cautious, I cared about my actions and the actions of those around me. I didn’t want to upset people, I wanted people to be happy and I cared about safety – hey, I’m still alive, ain’t I?
I guess that depends on the definition of the word “alive.”
I’m spending a lot of my time now trying to get my life back on track. Yes, I lost a lot of good years to illness, both physical and mental, but it shouldn’t be an excuse, right?
This afternoon I am going to do something that is right out of my comfort zone. 1) Drive somewhere I’ve never been before, 2) Meet up with someone I haven’t seen for at least 2 years now, and to be honest don’t know all that well, and 3) Play music in front of them, most likely sing too. Even though music as always been a part of my life, for some reason it still makes my cheeks blush every time I have to play!
That’s 3 whammies!
At work this morning I was already pondering if I should go or not. Should I send a message to confirm? Should I wait and just say I am not feeling well – my anxiety was giving me a really hard time already? These are my usual “anxiety” thoughts that, to tell you the truth, I don’t even notice I’m doing until it’s too late.
When I was staring at my phone in this moment of self-doubt I realised that I would just have to push through the What Ifs.
Music is what I love, and it’s such a big part of my life that I feel terrible not to pursue it. I haven’t even given it a proper go and I’ve psych myself out of it for years now. Every time I deny opportunities like this I always regret it and look back months later to say, “I should have started that sooner.”
I’ve learned recently that making decisions is how you regain power when you have anxiety. Anxiety comes from indecision, from letting others take control, from thinking you’re going to make the wrong choice if you’re left to your own devises.
It’s pretty clear to me that making no plans isn’t working, and for some reason having “no plans” was as good as having one in my old mind. Look how far that got me with my goals and dreams!
So, wish me luck!