As I’m typing up my old diary, and going over all the things than ran through my head, I’ve made an interesting discovery.
Let me explain.
I’m not sure if I wrote about it here or not, but I had a really close friend through my senior years at high school and also during the first couple of years of UNI. We had a falling out and things were never really the same between us. I made the executive decision to cut off the ties because at the time, it was the right thing to do.
In my diary I wrote a particular entry about that decision, and now that I look back I find it a little amusing.
See, I blamed my anxiety for losing friends. Due to how the anxiety makes me feel in all different types of situations, I avoided them, and so, I am quite alone now because of it.
But I’m finally able to see that it was my lack of opening up and my fear of judgement that lost me all those great relationships.
Sure, my friends might not have understood what I was going through, or if it was even a legitimate reason to skip out on birthday celebrations, parties, catching up, what-have-you, but they weren’t the kind of friends that would just leave you out in the cold – I know in my heart they would have made it work.
I never told a single one of them that I was diagnosed with a chronic illness, how it affected me, or that I had been told I suffered from Panic Disorder and General Anxiety Disorder. Mostly because I didn’t really know what to make of it myself, and I figure that it would all be over in a few years so, why broadcast it?
And now I sit here, 6 years later, with the same problem I realise that it may not just be a passing phase. So if the anxiety and panic may sometimes be present in my life, then I will have to change.