For the first time since my Agoraphobia, I came clean to a close friend from high school about my mental illness.
The reaction was kind of what I expected.
There weren’t any questions about it – i.e. what happened, how are you coping now, what it is exactly, etc etc.
Just: “Why didn’t you call me?” and “I’ve missed you – do you think you would come to visit anytime soon?”
She lives in Sydney, which, correct me if I’m wrong, is the most populated city in Australia. Last time I was in Sydney, I had a panic attack at the sheer magnitude of it all (and it was also humid as all hell there).
It is a pity because I really like this friend; she is fun and a go-getter and we used to sing and play music together – something I really miss. However, she is a little self-absorbed, hence the responses to my confession.
It’s not so much about the other person, rather, how does this new information affect her?
I am not angry or feel upset about it all – actually, I’m not exactly sure what I was expecting. Perhaps I was hoping she had changed just as much as I have over the years. Granted I had severe mental illness (I hate those words but I’ll use them anyway) to force me to look at the terrible way I was thinking about myself and life, so I’ll give her that.
I hoped that I could explain to her everything; why I hadn’t seen her (and my other friends) for so long and, I don’t know, validate myself?
Just as quickly as the conversation started, it was over. The last thing I said was why I probably wouldn’t be coming to Sydney any time soon and then she was gone.
In a way it makes me feel just a little lonelier than before.
In other ways it just validates why some friends are past friends. If she missed me so much, why didn’t she call me? Why is it all of a sudden my responsibility? Friendship is a two-way street.