Agoraphobia · Anxiety · Personal

What Did I Expect?

For the first time since my Agoraphobia, I came clean to a close friend from high school about my mental illness.

The reaction was kind of what I expected.

There weren’t any questions about it – i.e. what happened, how are you coping now, what it is exactly, etc etc.

Just: “Why didn’t you call me?” and “I’ve missed you – do you think you would come to visit anytime soon?”

She lives in Sydney, which, correct me if I’m wrong, is the most populated city in Australia. Last time I was in Sydney, I had a panic attack at the sheer magnitude of it all (and it was also humid as all hell there).

It is a pity because I really like this friend; she is fun and a go-getter and we used to sing and play music together – something I really miss. However, she is a little self-absorbed, hence the responses to my confession.

It’s not so much about the other person, rather, how does this new information affect her?

I am not angry or feel upset about it all – actually, I’m not exactly sure what I was expecting. Perhaps I was hoping she had changed just as much as I have over the years. Granted I had severe mental illness (I hate those words but I’ll use them anyway) to force me to look at the terrible way I was thinking about myself and life, so I’ll give her that.

 

I hoped that I could explain to her everything; why I hadn’t seen her (and my other friends) for so long and, I don’t know, validate myself?

Just as quickly as the conversation started, it was over. The last thing I said was why I probably wouldn’t be coming to Sydney any time soon and then she was gone.

In a way it makes me feel just a little lonelier than before.

In other ways it just validates why some friends are past friends. If she missed me so much, why didn’t she call me? Why is it all of a sudden my responsibility? Friendship is a two-way street.

 

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9 thoughts on “What Did I Expect?

    1. Definitely. I know that things have been hard for me, and anxiety makes it hard to contact others, but I do realise that I could if it was really something I wanted to do – probably like-wise for other people.
      I think it has a lot to do with social media – people think that a “hey” on one of those platforms is the same as connecting properly.

      1. Social media..don’t even get me started!! It has robbed us of the skills we need to interact face to face…eye contact, how to appear confident, etc. Who needs it when we can just sent a quick “hey”?

  1. Some streets are just better passing by. You will get where you need to be in the ‘neighborhood’ filled with the kind of ‘streets’ YOU want and need one day. šŸ™‚
    And kudos to you for not feeling the urge to validate. I have that problem where I feel the intense need to try to get them to understand and just see what I am trying to tell them. Quickly enough, I get hurt and frustrated. I hope you don’t feel that way. You have more than enough on your plate!

    1. I do the same thing, but I’ve learned to pick my battles. You just have to figure out who is worth explaining it all to and who isn’t šŸ™‚
      Thanks for the words of wisdom!

      1. I’ll get to your level one day. Haha. Right now I am just at the “tell no one (a la The Grinch and world hunger)” stage. We can call them words of wisdom or more like Lara sharing her multiple whoopsies. Haha!

  2. Pingback: Lara In Stitches

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