Things are better since my mini stress day a few days ago.
Actually, I am a lot better.
Some wonderful news is, I can see the horizon in regard to my Panic. I think it is safe to say now I am no longer Agoraphobic. I’m along this line of thought for a couple of reasons/situations that have happened recently.
1. I have allowed a couple of open houses for my apartment. I have also allowed an electrician in to check out a few problems. This would have been unthinkable when I was Agoraphobic. Even getting better I would still get stressed out about shopping being delivered or what have you. To not get in the least bit anxious about any of this is a great sign. During an open home I can’t actually be there but the fact that I “can’t go home” doesn’t seem to phase me at all like it used to.
2. Today I walked into the city by myself. Not only that, I went into a health food shop and brought some rolled rice (to make porridge). Not ONLY THAT, but I withdrew money from an ATM without even a raised heartbeat. I even managed to wander into a couple of shops and I brought something for Easter. Walking home I wondered why I was ever afraid. Of course I know the answer to that, it’s a stupid thing to think about, but it couldn’t help but muscle it’s way in. I guess it was a weird way of being happy the fear is leaving slowly but surely.
These good signs help me to feel optimistic that it won’t be such a daunting year for me.
I think the move will be good in that my “safe” area is shifting in my mind. I’m not entirely sure where it is anymore. Usually to not have a safe haven is like the end of the world but it seems to be freeing. Now that I think about it, doing this sort of thing was always helpful.
For example, my partner and I went on holidays last year around September. I had just recently started feeling like it was okay to venture out but I still had Agoraphobia. We travelled at least 300 kms away from the place that I called home but I was oddly calm about it. While on the road, the car was my home. Until we actually stepped foot in our rented country cottage, I think I could have gone anywhere. Once I anchored down in that cottage there was no budging the anxiety – it didn’t want to go anywhere again.
That’s why, as I have mentioned before, I think I would be able to live out of a suitcase. The less I seem to have, the freer I feel. The less I have a physical home, the more the whole world becomes it.
I apologise for the lack of pretty photography. My iPhone and Mac seem to be having a disagreement. Perhaps the iPhone owes it money – I’m not sure – but the Mac won’t let it upload my photos.
Just quickly, I may drop off the grid a little next week and then for maybe a week after that. It’s not because I don’t want to entertain you all with my weirdness, but with the move I’ll have to disconnect my Internet and we most likely won’t have it set up in the new place for a little while. I’ll still try to post from my iPhone but it might not be too in depth. Most of my days will be filled with stuff.
Tuesday – Working all day/Pick up keys
Wednesday – Moving stuff/Open house
Thursday – Appointment/Working
Friday – Removalists/Cleaning
Saturday – Cleaning/Carpets cleaned
It’s hard to think that this time next week I’ll be in an entirely new house.
I’m going to miss this place.