Happiness · Health · life · Personal

Sleepy Spell

Wore myself out a bit today, but it was welcomed.

I dug in the garden – my father has fluid in his legs and knees and so is unable to bend at the moment. I planted some garlic for him and then weeded and mulched the area where we get asparagus.

I couldn’t really seem to sit still all day because when I did I would want to fall asleep. Not just “oh, I’m sort of tired right now” but if I closed my eyes for even a moment I would be pulled into a really deep sleep. This is unusual for me. It takes me a long time to drift off.

I suspect after all the hard work I’ve put in my gut wall has been damaged… yet again. What’s there to say besides time to heal it once more.


It seems I’m having another kind of lull in activity around me. I suppose any other person would feel very bored but I just take this all as it comes.

I listened to a recording today that said the definition of abundance was “the ability to do whatever you need to do, when you need to do it” and as I sat on the grass today and stared up at the sky I thought, well then my life is full of abundance.

I have an abundance of time. I have an abundance of good people around me. I have an abundance of nature to walk in. I have an abundance of good food I can eat, and rain water to drink. I have an abundance of choice. I have an abundance of ways to express myself.

I am able to experience all this when I need to; to go for a walk, to express myself, to eat and drink, and to be with those I love. I tried to parlay that knowledge into gratitude however my feelings and emotions aren’t quite there yet. I’m sure they’ll catch up soon.


Anxiety · Happiness · Love · relationships

Three Little Piggies (Three Things I’ve Learned From Relationships)

After watching a dating show tonight and observing the diversity that is the human race, I began to think about what I’d learned from personal relationships, and I thought it was about time that I correlated this data and set about learning my lessons.

Interestingly all these discoveries are tied in some way.

First thing I discovered for myself is that there has to be a balance between the heart and the head. When I fall (hard) in love I tend to let it take me over completely. Screw taking any time to think it through, I’m just mad for it. It’s not because I’m afraid of being alone, it’s just that feeling I crave. Not the attention or affection but that connection with someone on a deep level that really draws me in. Because of this connection I don’t take any time to consider who this man I’m giving my heart to is as a person. I’m one of those “I fall for your potential” types and it’s really got me into trouble.

Also, because of this heart leading the head thing I tend to break values and morals of my own in order to fit this man into my world. For example, and this is a pretty general example, I swore to myself I’d never be with a guy who smoked. Right after my last year at high school I found myself dating someone who not only smoked, but often smoked pot. Just because of that “connection” feeling, and the love I experienced, I thought to myself well he’s not smoking while he’s around me so, what the hell?

Eventually in my other relationships I continued to ignore my own rules and did things that I later regretted. I now know that if you’re going to love hard you’ve gotta keep your head about you and distance yourself if it’s not working, regardless of the feelings.

Secondly, and probably obvious to a lot of you out there but not so much for this gal, is that a romantic relationship should not replace every other relationship in your life. Anna Faris has it right when she says different people in your life should offer different types of support and love to you. Don’t get me wrong, I want my future relationship to hold a man whom I feel is a great, supportive lover to me, but I’ve made the mistake of my significant other taking on every single roll I needed fulfilled; a mistake for both me and for the poor guy.

I suppose I should cut myself a little slack because it is hard to establish and maintain other relationships when anxiety and panic is a part of your life. Romantic relationships have that extra level about them that help your partner overlook that aspect however potential friends do not. So I suppose that’s why I’m going to bar myself from another relationship until I’ve proved to myself I can be social, hold down other sorts of relationships and social excursions.

Thirdly, I used to think I knew what I wanted in a man… that was until my most recent relationship. Preferences can change, but most of all I realise that the more you know yourself, the more you take responsibility for your own happiness and self-care, the more it challenges the relationship you think you want.

I think this comes on the coat tails of co-dependency. I wanted a man to “attach” to me, to feel “lost” without me, for me to be their whole world but when I experienced myself as more than what my mental health was allowing (through the mellow nature of Zoloft) I finally emerged as an independent woman who really wanted to enjoy life. Lo and behold once I did that, once I started putting more priority in myself and what made me happy, I attracted a man far different than the others I had dated… and I really liked it.

The great thing about these independent men is that they fall hard in love too but they respect the need for space and personal identity. The wonderful thing about falling in love from this different perspective was the lack of seriousness. Of course everyone wants an exclusive thing with someone, but I actually didn’t care what happened – I was having fun in the moment and what’s more, my priority was to myself.


This all leads nicely into making sure I’m a whole person, inside and out, before entering into another relationship but I’ll leave that for another time.




Anxiety · Happiness · Health · relationships

Inspired Action

I’ve been offline for most of my time these days. It’s not as though I feel I’ve needed any “break” but I just don’t feel inspired. The only type of “online” that I tend to do is Instagram because that is easy. I don’t need much effort at all to point my phone camera at something and share it with the world.

I mean, have you ever found yourself in life limbo? You’re not willing to keep pushing the same ‘past you’ around, but you’re not quite to the new you yet… so you kind of potter around, aimlessly, waiting for that inspiration to strike.

“Of course! That’s who I am. Onwards!”

I have every faith that things will eventually fall into place but in the meantime I’m… well I don’t even want to say “wasting my time” because how can you be wasting time if you’re yet to set an end point to reach? Well, I certainly don’t think I am anyway.


In regard to my last post about letting things go I don’t think I gave myself enough credit; there are some things I have let go of that I didn’t even notice until a couple of days ago. I realised that I’d let go of caring what other people think of me.

If I were to look at myself and my life from an outside perspective it would, of course, look as if I am doing nothing, I have no job, no partner, no children, and it would seem I do the same thing every day. Get up, eat, drink, farm work, watch some tv, eat, drink, and then sleep. Meanwhile, my priority has been set at bettering myself mentally, emotionally and physically (something that is personal and I’m not going to share with others) – and all of that stuff, obviously, you can’t see… until, of course, you finally tip everything in your favour and then THAT’S when the progress will be obvious.

I realised that the anxiety and panic I’ve had in my life has taught me to care more and more about my own healing, my own point of view about myself, rather than take what others say to heart.

I’ve had my parents, family, boyfriends, friends, bosses, random people tell me I wasn’t trying hard enough when I was! So I was generally doing my best everyday PLUS trying to prove these people wrong and I just got tired of it.

There is unnecessary stress in the pressures society and others will place on us and I just couldn’t be bothered to care anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to walk outside with no clothes or any such thing to prove this, but you must get what I mean.

So hooray! I can at least let go of some things, so that’s a good sign it might become easier in the future.


Anxiety · Happiness · Health · Love

Letting Go

Over the past couple of weeks I’ve been thinking of the concept of letting things go. Some people find it very, very easy to let go of something and move forward while others, such as myself, really struggle with this concept.

I’ve tried many different ways of letting go. I’ve tried pretending I don’t care, I’ve tried distance, I’ve tried destruction and I’ve tried forgetting. I’ve tried coming to peace with it, I’ve tried altering beliefs in order to give it up and I’ve tried forcing myself.

But I still struggle with letting go and I have no idea why.

It’s probably the best time now to explain that I’m talking about letting go of fears and doubts rather than actual, physical objects.

I read recently that the only reason people hang onto things is because they think it’s useful for them; I mean it’s actually useful to be afraid of snakes, especially in Australia, because chances are it’s extremely poisonous – thus, you keep your distance and not go up and give it a hug.

Then there are the irrational fears, the fears or doubts you can’t quite put your finger on. For example, it’s irrational (to me, at least) to be afraid to stand up for yourself, and I would love nothing better than to have my own back. However, if I’m faced with a situation where I need to hold my own I completely freeze. I’m one of those people that can think of the absolute best comebacks a day after I’m confronted.

It’s also common to hold onto things because they once made you happy, and I do this too mostly with relationships. I’m a clinger, and I probably would never have admitted to that even just 2 months ago. In this case I would love nothing better than to love myself enough to just let go of something (or someone) that is not working, but instead I have to try and “make it work” just because they make, or made, me feel happy.

Even within the acceptance of my own behaviour it is STILL not enough to let it go. Even holding up a mirror to my own actions and seeing it from a logical place cannot convince my emotions to see it the same way.

It has only been quite recently that I realised a part of me was terrified of relationships.

Me. The wonderful lady with the kind heart is TERRIFIED of men.

For a while there I was blaming my body for not knowing the difference between excitement and fear (which is the way a lot of specialists have tried too pass off my anxiety) but once I started putting two and two together, that I’ve always been very skittish and nervous around romantic interests, that got me thinking – maybe it’s not my body, maybe it’s me.

I couldn’t work out why most of my first dates had me freaking out, unable to eat, unable to relax until I’d had a full on panic breakdown. Then, as the relationship progressed I had to become a fraction of who I really am in order to survive in it.

I mean I LOVE to love. It’s my thing, So how on earth could I be acting this way in regard to relationships.

I still don’t know the answer. I’ve never had a situation in my life that would warrant this kind of response, but knowing me I will eventually find out.


I guess my point is that over my 30 odd years of being alive I can now pick out my patterns, try my best to change or overcome them, but find myself no closer to letting them go. So many times I’m told “just get over it”, “move on”, “you can do it” but, like, HOW? I’ve been trying for years but I just seem to be missing the Letting Shit Go gene.



Happiness · Personal · relationships

Giving Up The Fight

This morning I woke up with my head still full of questions after last night. My ex had sent me a message an hour later in my response to saying I felt like an idiot, basically that I shouldn’t feel like an idiot and I haven’t done anything wrong.

Well, of course I haven’t done anything wrong, besides the sexting and living in a fucking fantasy world of my own making. Oh, and being so stupid as to believe him when he said he just wanted to focus on himself, and that he wasn’t interested, and me being the only one he feels he could trust…

I began crying, not just because of the situation between my ex and me, but for everything else going on in my life that I was trying to be brave about. I cried until I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t end up surfacing from my room until almost lunchtime.

The only question, after I had written down everything I was feeling, I could bring myself to ask was why he went from “beautiful eyes” to pushing me away again.

I honestly thought it was just another one of those times when he was rejecting me because he was getting too close again and all of that fear was reentering his mind.

But he responded with something that sort of shocked me.

“Push you away? Yes we have this weird connection but we weren’t together as a couple…”

I whipped out my phone to write down everything I began thinking as a response to his statement…

…but I just got tired.

I was, and am, too tired to fight for this anymore.

All I could muster in reply was, “you’re right.”


Stupidly now I want to continue wounding myself by asking what the deal was with him saying that stuff to me, about not wanting a relationship, about being free, about all that bullshit. I suppose it’s more for my closure than anything else.

Whatever, he’s made his choice.

I always stay friends with my exes but in this case I’m not even sure I want to. I have enough crap to deal with than to hurt myself over and over.


And this is my exact problem, I live with my heart not my head. I live my life based on connections and feelings when he’s obviously living his on practicality.

We don’t live in the same city anymore, we haven’t seen each other in almost a year. I am weird, mentally, and so he doesn’t understand why I can’t just get in the car and drive over to visit him. It’s obviously too hard when it really doesn’t have to be. I can’t expect him to be the one to always travel but with the way things are with me at the moment, I don’t know how I’m going to be from one day to the next, so I can’t plan trips.

This is all just too messy.

I give up.


Of course I know that at some point in the future I’m going to be laying in bed with a man who adores me for exactly who I am thinking back on all this and wondering why I even cared at all… but that moment seems so far away from my sore heart.

I have received the usual “time heals all wounds, he doesn’t deserve you” chorus from those who care about me but we all know that at times like this it doesn’t mean anything.

Happiness · Personal · relationships

The Wakeup Call

So weirdly enough, I’m not crying. I’m not entirely sure if that’s because I am stopping myself or if I don’t want to. Perhaps I respect myself too much to get into all the drama this time around.

Things with my ex were going along as usual. Hot, cold, up, down. We’d just found ourselves in another wonderful up when suddenly, out of no where, a slump.

Of course my intuition knew something was up but I was assured that everything was fine. Well, you should always listen to that little voice.

About 40 minutes ago I was hit with the “wakeup call.”

I said that I couldn’t wait to see him, as we’d just only a week or so ago discussed him visiting, and I was just not prepared for what his response was:

“I was looking forward to it too but it’s not really fair on you as I’m trialling dating a girl to see how it goes or if I’m ready.”


A literal wave of heat and fear washed over me. To tell you the truth I was a little dumbfounded.

Too many feelings and questions started racing through my head and to tell you the truth I felt physically ill. Again. It was happening to me AGAIN.

I was being replaced. AGAIN.

All I managed to choke out (even though this was via messages) was “well I feel like an idiot.”

I also rattled off that I thought we had a special connection. To be honest I really don’t know what else to say.

All that bullshit he spouted off about not even being sure he wanted all of that relationship stuff, and still healing from the marriage break up, and he’s jumping into bed with someone else.

The things I started to question where: “if you’re feeling ready to date again, why not me?” and “if you insisted on your visit only just being because you wanted to see me, not have sex, then what does this new informs even mean? You are only still my friend because you were wondering if we would eventually work out? Are we not good friends?”

This ALWAYS happens. ALWAYS. I ALWAYS know I should back away, to get out with my feelings in tact but I NEVER do!

To add insult to injury he dropped his bombshell and has now gone silent. The least he could do is talk this through with me, I mean, we had a nice thing together and there’s no common decency to at least talk?

I assume he is afraid, he’s obviously afraid of what I was going to say, how I was going to react. Now, I really do want to completely switch everything off and be alone. Not so much because of what happened, more because I can see my head is NOT in the right place.

I think the hardest thing about this all is the fact that I know gradually, yet again, I will be replaced. He will become just another ex that will stop talking to me, and that’s the thing that hurts the most in this whole situation.

I am so sick of being forgotten about, replace, whitewashed over; not just with exes but in life.

And that last sentence, in this whole post, is the only one I began to feel my eyes watering with tears.

Wakeup calls. Where’s the fucking snooze.

Anxiety · life · Personal · relationships

Sorry, Self

Okay, so I’m going to start this again.

Surely I can take a concept of how I’m feeling and not blow it out to 500 words and by the end of it think, “what the hell am I on about?”

I am beginning to understand how all my University tutors felt trying to read my essays.


Right, self discipline.

Here we go.


Yesterday I felt lonely. Well I still feel lonely today however today I turned my phone off, which you might think contradicts the emotion I’m feeling, but let me explain.

Having my phone with me at this time of complete Hangman Limbo in my life consistently reminds me of how boring and mundane my days are. When I feel lonely (which to be honest only happens maybe once every month or so) that feeling is amplified so I begin to become angry and aggressive, especially when it comes to connecting with other people.

I begin to get annoyed that a) no one is bothering to talk to me, and b) if they are messaging back, they don’t seem to show the slightest interest in having a “deep and meaningful.”

When IN REALITY they all have lives they’re living, things to do, people to see, things to occupy their minds and actions. It’s not a personal attack on me. I’m not boring or not worth getting to know, they are just captivated by their own musings.




When I was about to tuck myself in last night I read a little bit about an artist’s life – she’d had polio, been in an accident which meant she was in pain a lot, and had said “I paint myself a lot because that’s who I spend the most time with” or something along those lines and it sort of hit a nerve.

Sometimes I am in pain, or having to deal with something I’d rather not have to deal with, and sometimes I am alone, but at least she was not sitting next to her phone wishing it would ring while she watches Sex And The City for the millionth time (and that show ALWAYS makes me incredibly mad for some reason) and realised another day has been wasted.


So that’s where self discipline comes in.

I know I have blogged about this before, in the 6 years I’ve been on WordPress it’s not the first time I’ve encountered this problem, but it’s the first time I think I’ve been sick of running around and around in circles.

So that’s why my phone is off. It’s similar to not buying chocolate at the supermarket so when you’re at home you can’t pig out on in. i am being my own parent to the teen inside me that really needs a break from her vices.

Ha, yes, I am grounding myself. If I can’t get my shit together and do the things I love without being sidetracked then I have to.

Sorry, self.